I wish I were more confident. Approaching Lenina was hard enough, and you wouldn’t believe the amount of happiness that rushed through my body – like a huge dose of soma – when she agreed. Although, you couldn’t imagine the embarrassment I had when she publicly discussed her sexual life. I wish she kept herself more private, but I didn’t let myself think about it too deeply. The rumors going around about me are absolutely repulsive: “…somebody made a mistake when he was still in the bottle–thought he was a Gamma and put alcohol into his blood-surrogate. That's why he's so stunted…” they say (Huxley 46). These ridiculous stories are probably why I apparently am lacking so much on my confidence. Hopefully visiting the reservation soon should be interesting. I hope the Director lets us. And I really hope Lenina likes it. She says she interested. She also thinks I’m sweet. I appreciate that. She fixes my lonely feelings; she makes me feel wanted. She wants me to go to some sort of wrestling match. I agreed, but really have not much interest in what she wants to do. I feel hugely disconnected. It feels as if there is a rainstorm above my head, dark and gloomy.
She wanted me to take it. Over and over again, “Take the soma! Take the soma!” No. No. As we returned, I hovered the helicopter over the Channel. The silence makes me feel individual, I told her. She begged me to take her away from the water and the emptiness that comes with it. She eventually got me to take soma, way, way too much soma. We had sex. I didn’t want to. I want to act mature. I wanted to act like an adult.
The Director said yes! I was almost positive he would disapprove. He told me how he lost a woman he went up there with in a storm. It scared me; I could only imagine how much shock he suffered from that. Then, something weird happened. He threatened to exile me to Iceland due to my “antisocial behavior.” Why? Regardless, I was pretty proud. I felt rebellious. I felt confident. More importantly, I felt ready to be with Lenina.
Today was an especially important day. It was the day we travelled to the reservation. It all seems like a blur, to be quite honest. One thing that keeps playing back in my mind is Helmholtz’s news. This whole “exiled to Iceland” thing seems to be becoming more and more real. It seems unreal. I can’t be exiled! I belong here. All that I felt, my proudness, my confidence, was gone. I was scared. I was scared until I took soma, of course. We met John, a blond boy from the reservation. He could be one of my greatest discoveries. He told us some shocking news: that The Director was his father. Linda, John’s mother, a particularly frightening woman, furthered the story and told us she had problems with her contraceptives. Why would someone lie about this? It had to be true. I think John will help me. He said he would come to London with me. John could change my life in the World State. And, perhaps, help me embarrass the Director. I have plans to expose him as John’s father, but I don’t plan on telling John about those. I was happy I could make John happy to finally see the World State. I’m not sure why he is excited, though. The World State is full of such hatred and disgust. I feel like a misfit there. I hope he doesn’t have some type of false hope that London will be some type of Shangri La. I fear he does…
I went to visit Mond today. He agreed that John was important in the World States’ scientific interest. When I returned to the Director, he had the nerve to call me a heretic. I was in shock. What gave him the right to speak to me, let alone anyone like this! I’m not an infant. And I will not be sent to Iceland or Greenland or any land besides my land, the World State. I was so angry that I presented John and Linda to the entire room. The look on the Director’s face was truly priceless. The laughter that ensued as he ran out of the room was the cherry on top of an unforgettable moment!
The unforgettable moments continued. I was a hit. I was popular, all thanks to John. Being his guardian gave me what felt like some type of immunity. As if his popularity rubbed off onto me. Nobody could stop me. Nobody could hurt my confidence or me. The amount of sex I was having was amazing. Off the charts, I swear. I wish this wouldn’t end. I owed everything to John. And I didn’t care about what Helmholtz thought about me, he was simply jealous. These had to be some of the best moments I’ve had in years. I refused to let them end.
Huxley, Aldous. Brave New World. New York: Harper & Bros., 1946. Print.